she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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