everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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