he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
