So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
