i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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