Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Randomize
