dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize