You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
