Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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