How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
