i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
