how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Randomize
