Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
