dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I'm passing your future prison.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
