Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Randomize
