listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize