Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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