Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
