I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize