I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
