quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
