Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
