New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize