Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
