Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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