the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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