why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
