wrigley field is MILF paradise
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
