Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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