Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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