Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
