I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
