i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize