Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
