i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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