Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
