You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
