Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
