we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
