hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize