Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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