It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
