Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Randomize
