just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
