but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I faked an abortion last night.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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