it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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