I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
