fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
