oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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