Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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