grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
