Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
