i would punch a child for taco bell
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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