I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
