i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
