the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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