I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
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