and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
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