Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
