This is not my ceiling
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
