if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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