What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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