The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
he was CRYING into my vagina
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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